The hope-ium sniffer

I think some people can smell the hope-ium about me.
I am one of those people who is rather "open book".

It takes losing my soul, to convince me that it's time to guard what's left of my heart and mind.

It's so hard - the guarding. I shut down in an instant - the smiles turn off, my eyes and ears suddenly hypervigilant.

Time stands still in the paralyzing shadow of the past and all the heartache the past represents.

How to be hopeful? How to be forward-thinking? Anticipatory of a future?

Maybe I am depressed. I certainly feel like I may be.

Will I?

Most days I feel I do pretty ok, in terms of getting over difficult times in the past. Occasionally, a word, action, someone bringing up something from those troubled times sends me spiralling downward into a pit of despair, literally. I wind up coming out of it eventually, sometimes he bothers to ask what is up, and I find I can speak frankly. It really doesn't matter if I do though, because he only sees anger when I do.
He perceives anger in me so much, when that is the furthest emotion from me. It's projected most of the time.
Forgiveness is hard. What do I do with the remembering? What do I do with the heartache and unresolved questions?
He seems basically - decent - now. I think if I had his truth to my questions, it might be more than just "seems".
I wait for my world bubble to pop.
I'm not surprised by the notion, nor wishful that it won't.
Everything comes to an end. It's a matter of time.
I expect nothing. Everything - and I do mean everything - is a such a superficial face value.
I've learned a lot about judgement and pre-conceived notions in the last year, and acceptance.
I remember these hurtful times every day still.
The past doesn't go away. The past doesn't own me like it used to, but it hurts me daily.

How do I...

(As noted from August 14, 2017)

How do I:

1. Be a wife that listens without responding critically or coming up with answers?

2.  Remove skepticism from my thoughts?

3. Not Be the one with the Problem.

4. Know what are critical words/behaviour and what are loving/thought provoking/conversational words?

5. Have conversations without asking questions?

6. Get over the hurt? I feel like I still need to protect myself and weigh-in on the present and i am tired of evaluating and guarding my emotions; as much as I want and need to develop our intimacy, I feel like a major obstacle to myself in this.

7. Believe him? I'm taking more leaps of faith, but sometimes it is incredibly difficult to take what he says at face-value, even simple day-to-day things about tasks he says he will do.

Is it okay to not ask questions about my husband’s day? I feel compelled to catch up on things about him/me/family etc, talk about things/events/appointments coming up this week.
How do i gain insight into him and his day, if it is not shared firstly, and if I don’t ask?

I don’t want him to feel he is being put through a questioning period.

Safe and secure self-attachment.

From the interwebs, collected July 2, 2017

Relationships consist of a series of bids for love and support from our partners, that we hope will ward off that scary feeling of not being loved. Will you comfort me in this situation, or invalidate my feelings? Will you make me feel wanted, or reject me? Can I depend on you for this, or will you disappoint me? In other words, we’re constantly looking to our partners for feelings of security – security within the relationship, and security with ourselves. When they don’t fill this need, it hurts, and it feels scary. It triggers that deeply buried and powerful fear – that maybe we’re not loved… maybe we’re not even lovable.

The self is the only dependable source of security.

The only true source of security is from within. We might exert all kinds of effort trying to control the rest of our world, but the only thing we can really control is ourselves. So what if we put as much effort into mastering our ability to choose the perspective we take of the world? What if instead of trying to change our partners into people that are better at making us feel secure, we change ourselves into people that fill our own need of security? What if we could provide ourselves with our own secure attachment to ourselves?

True love:
“It is a caring enough about the person that you do not wish to interfere with his development, nor to use him for any self-aggrandizing goals of your own. Your satisfaction comes in having set him free to grow in his own fashion.”

Better words.

What I should have said, back in July  2015.

Darling,

I hurt right now, and I feel it is important you know why.  I love you; we chose to live out the rest of our days together, and although I am not the best at explaining my viewpoints, my hurt effects both of us, and “us”, and it would be unfair to not share how I am feeling with you.

I feel shocked - shocked by your actions.  Internet trolling shocks me to the core. I’ve seen so much now, that I feel uncertain about what is “real” from you to me. I understand joking around and pretending etc., and I feel uncomfortable with you trolling people. It feels like lying, to me. Worse, sometimes, I feel like I am being lied to, sometimes even for fun, and that makes me very sad and foolish.

I feel exhausted. I feel exhausted from overthinking. I feel mean and unreasonable when I see you on the defensive so much. Some of these times, I even feel like I’m betraying my own senses and sensibilities, because I’m not in agreement with you about something, I tell you about how I feel, and then I receive anger from you, rather than the understanding I am seeking.

When I feel like I have been unwittingly and insensitively offensive to you, I really feel foolish and shameful for:

1. being concerned about something enough that I feel I need to bring it to your attention,
2. for seeking understanding from you on my viewpoint,
3. for feeling disappointed that you didn’t, or have refused to acknowledge/give the understanding I need,
4. that I look inward to try to figure it out - am I selfish? Unreasonable? Jealous? Not worthy of honesty? Stupid? - and struggle with accepting your view on the issue as true, good and valid (and I keep on thinking/asking you questions until I feel satisfied with the answer I have to create sense of the issue, so I may understand.

When I receive the defensive behaviour, 

I feel ashamed, betrayed, worthless, rejected and very alone - not all the time, but definitely some times during the last couple of years, during and after times when I have asked you about details that I feel you may have covered up or hidden from me, like email accounts and the nature of some online activities.

Please, come home to me, your wife. I've been there for you, and will always be here. I need you, and I don't know what to do. I know I cannot bear to feel these horrid emotions anymore. I need to understand and get past this, and that means understanding from your stance. 

**Too bad that after I sent my original letter, the real hell began. Who would have thought you purposely deceived me, purposely hurt me and so much more.**

The most depressing poem ever.

(from June 4, 2016, although I am pretty sure I wrote it sometime November or December 2015)

Twice

Devoid of two moments

Never to be savoured 

In fond recollection.

They bear my cheeks

A stain of sorrow,

Remembered.

Moments unshared

Moments -

  Fearfully,

  Despairingly, and

  Regretfully

- stolen, wanton figments of my hope and desire.

Disappeared into a veil of white.

Reflected monitor sheen on your face

Nourishing a stimu-starved mind.

Click.

Click.

Twice.
(... Ha - in one minute, maybe.)

Scroll.

Healing.

Yeah yeah, I haven't posted in a few months.  I haven't had much to say though.  Being let go from my job at the end of August was a real blow to the ego and pocketbook, but it has given my sanity a much-needed rest.  I can enjoy singing once again, and even had a fun new experience recently with that.  The rush from singing and communicating well is healing me.  I strive for happiness in all who surround me.  Perhaps it's the easy way out, but singing is the easiest way for me to achieve that.

Glass and teaching have been decent to me.  Perhaps my upcoming merge show will get me over the hump!

Statement pieces, fused chords.. kinda cool.  Now to build that machine, and get that going!