Darling,
I hurt right now, and I feel it is important you know why. I love you; we chose to live out the rest of our days together, and although I am not the best at explaining my viewpoints, my hurt effects both of us, and “us”, and it would be unfair to not share how I am feeling with you.
I feel shocked - shocked by your actions. Internet trolling shocks me to the core. I’ve seen so much now, that I feel uncertain about what is “real” from you to me. I understand joking around and pretending etc., and I feel uncomfortable with you trolling people. It feels like lying, to me. Worse, sometimes, I feel like I am being lied to, sometimes even for fun, and that makes me very sad and foolish.
I feel exhausted. I feel exhausted from overthinking. I feel mean and unreasonable when I see you on the defensive so much. Some of these times, I even feel like I’m betraying my own senses and sensibilities, because I’m not in agreement with you about something, I tell you about how I feel, and then I receive anger from you, rather than the understanding I am seeking.
When I feel like I have been unwittingly and insensitively offensive to you, I really feel foolish and shameful for:
- being concerned about something enough that I feel I need to bring it to your attention,
- for seeking understanding from you on my viewpoint,
- for feeling disappointed that you didn’t, or have refused to acknowledge/give the understanding I need,
- that I look inward to try to figure it out - am I selfish? Unreasonable? Jealous? Not worthy of honesty? Stupid? - and struggle with accepting your view on the issue as true, good and valid (and I keep on thinking/asking you questions until I feel satisfied with the answer I have to create sense of the issue, so I may understand.
When I receive the defensive behaviour,
I feel ashamed, betrayed, worthless, rejected and very alone - not all the time, but definitely some times during the last couple of years, during and after times when I have asked you about details that I feel you may have covered up or hidden from me, like email accounts and the nature of some online activities.
Please, come home to me, your wife. I've been there for you, and will always be here. I need you, and I don't know what to do. I know I cannot bear to feel these horrid emotions anymore. I need to understand and get past this, and that means understanding from your stance.
**Too bad that after I sent my original letter, the real hell began. Who would have thought you purposely deceived me, purposely hurt me and so much more.**
