(As noted from August 14, 2017)
How do I:
1. Be a wife that listens without responding critically or coming up with answers?
2. Remove skepticism from my thoughts?
3. Not Be the one with the Problem.
4. Know what are critical words/behaviour and what are loving/thought provoking/conversational words?
5. Have conversations without asking questions?
6. Get over the hurt? I feel like I still need to protect myself and weigh-in on the present and i am tired of evaluating and guarding my emotions; as much as I want and need to develop our intimacy, I feel like a major obstacle to myself in this.
7. Believe him? I'm taking more leaps of faith, but sometimes it is incredibly difficult to take what he says at face-value, even simple day-to-day things about tasks he says he will do.
Is it okay to not ask questions about my husband’s day? I feel compelled to catch up on things about him/me/family etc, talk about things/events/appointments coming up this week.
How do i gain insight into him and his day, if it is not shared firstly, and if I don’t ask?
I don’t want him to feel he is being put through a questioning period.
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
Safe and secure self-attachment.
From the interwebs, collected July 2, 2017
Relationships consist of a series of bids for love and support from our partners, that we hope will ward off that scary feeling of not being loved. Will you comfort me in this situation, or invalidate my feelings? Will you make me feel wanted, or reject me? Can I depend on you for this, or will you disappoint me? In other words, we’re constantly looking to our partners for feelings of security – security within the relationship, and security with ourselves. When they don’t fill this need, it hurts, and it feels scary. It triggers that deeply buried and powerful fear – that maybe we’re not loved… maybe we’re not even lovable.
The self is the only dependable source of security.
The only true source of security is from within. We might exert all kinds of effort trying to control the rest of our world, but the only thing we can really control is ourselves. So what if we put as much effort into mastering our ability to choose the perspective we take of the world? What if instead of trying to change our partners into people that are better at making us feel secure, we change ourselves into people that fill our own need of security? What if we could provide ourselves with our own secure attachment to ourselves?
True love:
“It is a caring enough about the person that you do not wish to interfere with his development, nor to use him for any self-aggrandizing goals of your own. Your satisfaction comes in having set him free to grow in his own fashion.”
Relationships consist of a series of bids for love and support from our partners, that we hope will ward off that scary feeling of not being loved. Will you comfort me in this situation, or invalidate my feelings? Will you make me feel wanted, or reject me? Can I depend on you for this, or will you disappoint me? In other words, we’re constantly looking to our partners for feelings of security – security within the relationship, and security with ourselves. When they don’t fill this need, it hurts, and it feels scary. It triggers that deeply buried and powerful fear – that maybe we’re not loved… maybe we’re not even lovable.
The self is the only dependable source of security.
The only true source of security is from within. We might exert all kinds of effort trying to control the rest of our world, but the only thing we can really control is ourselves. So what if we put as much effort into mastering our ability to choose the perspective we take of the world? What if instead of trying to change our partners into people that are better at making us feel secure, we change ourselves into people that fill our own need of security? What if we could provide ourselves with our own secure attachment to ourselves?
True love:
“It is a caring enough about the person that you do not wish to interfere with his development, nor to use him for any self-aggrandizing goals of your own. Your satisfaction comes in having set him free to grow in his own fashion.”
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