Blame.

“That’s the seduction of blame. It helps to push away the guilt, and serves only to tighten the hold of dysfunction and deception.”

“Blame is so seductive, so blinding, because we are able to take tiny nuggets of truth and blow them up and deceive ourselves into believing.”

“Essentially, until a betrayed spouse feels the unfaithful spouse is willing to accept responsibility for their affair (without any justifications), they won’t be able to get past the initial pain of the infidelity enough to see into their own missteps along the way.”

“They feel further violated by any unwillingness on your part (the unfaithful spouse) to admit that your behavior is purely your responsibility.”

“Chances are you were both failing each other in some way and only one of you had as affair. A major culprit in recovery will always be a refusal to take responsibility for our actions, only adding to the time a betrayed spouse needs to heal, forgive and reconnect.”

“... the blind-sided spouse may have flashbacks of times when the addict wasn’t present for important family events or had to work late – all of these instances will be woven into a timeframe of distrust.”

I can say that this is the most complete description and explanation of my current mindset.

I feel like I haven’t been able to fully forgive (despite wanting to) and I haven’t been able to put my finger on WHY. Now I understand - it’s the blame game. First it was me not smiling enough, or making things tougher on him because I was having trouble adjusting to life here in California. Then - after celebrating 10 years of being married - in June, I realized I had been lied to via a confession of all his hacking, and him finally owning up to NOT hacking Ashley Madison. This Ashley Madison fabrication covered up a multitude of infidelities, including calling prostitutes, emailing many every time he was away on business, and even having their fucking phone numbers in his cellphone. Not to mention the $400 minimum he would have to have in his wallet every time he left for a work trip. Or the searches on his phone for “best pick up bars in Jackson” or Google translate phrases or all the inappropriate messages, deceitful email addresses, text message chains, late night phone calls.. and I can’t forget finding the correspondence with other women every time I would go to visit family in Canada too. Of course, the memory of setting me up to fail - the pièce de resistance - “I planted those numbers in my cell because I knew you couldn’t resist checking my phone even though I told you not to look. I would know when I had caught you snooping through my phone.” This memory haunts me nearly every day. I remember being in bed, sore back, depressed, corresponding with his lawyer, and after seeing the phone bill and checking a couple of weird numbers on it, I checked his phone and confronted him. I wailed, barely able to choke out “You set me up.” He was impatient to find out what I said, and I was finally able to say it loud enough between sobs so he could hear me. I remember getting yelled at after I kept repeating that he set me up to fail.. he set his wife up to fail. I’ve never felt more broken.

 It’s been lies for 

Our.

Entire.

Marriage.

Of course, now the blame is on his drug abuse (no way will he call himself an addict). He has never taken responsibility for these actions toward me, our marriage, himself; nor how they destroyed the trust that is so important.

I do feel violated that he refuses to bring himself to take responsibility. Maybe this is why I feel so much pain. I had actually come to this conclusion, and felt just shy of resentment that he wouldn’t tell me this on his own, and maybe that’s why I do see my own part in our failures. With openness and honesty, there can be at least, a greater understanding.

He’s cheating himself of greater understanding of himself, and of a chance for reconciliation - what he did is not forgettable, but perhaps reconcilable, though what he did will throw a shade over me the rest of my life, I know it. I’ll never trust blindly again.

EVERYONE has a choice in their actions, especially the calculated, planned, fabricated, lied about, deceptive ones.

I feel like I am starting all over - like it’s March 2015 all over again, and the seemingly never ending cascade of methodical lies. I was married over ten years until I received him saying “the truth” to me - about things that he lied about for over five years, and for the five years prior, came to understand that he was deceitful from the beginning. It’s like Discovery day, all over again, each day that he doesn’t own up to his actions.

And I finally understand why I feel this way.

I’m almost relieved.