Rebuff.

Just before I had my hysterectomy, I yelped in pain during sex. He had bumped against a fibroid tumor that was particularly painful.
I've asked him about it several times - "When did you start to not want to be intimate with me?"
He claims he always wants intimacy.
A few years down the road, I find out about calls and emails to schedule dates with prostitutes and others on his work travels.
I guess the intimacy was fulfilled with others?

I remember one Thanksgiving when his family came to our house - the first Thanksgiving we hosted. He had a tenuous relationship (to put it best) with his parents, and I remember him being physically ill, sweating, vomiting and literally five minutes after they left, he was fine.
His brother noted that during dinner, and he kinda sloughed it off at the time, but later mentioned it after everyone left.

It's interesting what we do as a reaction. Our brains are still very active during sleep too, and I've noted that - just as actions speak louder than words - the actions show up in sleep too.

He puts physical barriers between us when we sleep. All the blankets get shoved up between us, two pillows, and he props himself up with pillows (and ultimately, I can't even get near him in our bed).
There is a ridge in the middle of our mattress, only three years old. It's to the point now, where we sleep in shifts. I get up and then he goes to sleep. He naps throughout the day (his job is such that he can do this), and I don't get to practice, vacuum, because he is tired and needs to sleep.

There was a time (shortly after D-Day) that he said he didn't find me attractive any more. I was too aggressive. too angry.  All the time. He developed ED and became very uncomfortable when I tried to show him any affection. He had no problems with gaining an erection at night time during sleep, and he masturbated just fine too.

So, in an effort to find safe, non-sexual ways of intimacy, I took a massage class (and followed through thankfully - now I'm a CMT), hopeful that this might be a good way to be intimate with him, but not press him to perform.

I am a person that needs lots of "good" touch. Contact. Connection.

I've learned a lot about boundaries in these last four years. I am sensitive to people's "tells", and gain more insight into their comfort and release of pain, etc with each passing day of practice.
So I get it when my husband turns me down for a massage when I offer him one.
I'll see him in pain, ask him how he's feeling and if he responds "sore" or whatever, I'll offer.

Then he stopped wanting one.

So I got a massage chair ("I don't like lying on the table.").

I offer again. Numerous times.

Because I want to connect with him. I like touch. I know he used to.

People change.  Husbands change.
It would be lovely to hear it though, rather than thin excuses.

Is it an excuse, or another lie? What's the difference, really.

I respect his views.  It still hurts to be rebuffed and rejected in new ways, all the time.

So I stopped asking to gift him something.
I told him that to expect nothing from, of and with him, is the only way to stave off disappointment. Once in a while, I forget that I most likely will be turned down - again - and ask him if he'd like a relaxing massage, and without fail, I'm gifted back with that sunken pit in my stomach, the tightening chest and welling of the eyes. Rejected, again.

I've asked him on his terms, how he would like to connect with me. I've explained that I need touch, and I want to experience intimacy with him. He winds up being exasperated, and I wind up feeling bad for bringing up intimacy yet again, and no closer to anything - feeling farther away from him.

Expectation creates the environment for constant, unfailing disappointment.

It reminds me of a song I sang with a choir once - the last line:
Poor girl...
Rejected.

It is too much to ask, I fear.